Indiaanas Herb Simon and Torontos L

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I told him the Jays were a desperate bunch, which is cheddar cheese to a puppy dog in devil-speak. I gave him my hard sell. Cmon, buddy. Cmon, Sweet Lu. Our All Star-shortstop Jose Reyes, finally healthy, literally leads off the season by taking his first at bat, popping out, then proceeding to walk off the field and on to the disabled list. Maybe hes out for two weeks, maybe four months, maybe hes taking up painting. The team, left with a defence only Abbott and Costello could love, is even more desperate than when it was just known for jettisoning its best young talent for knuckleballers pushing 40 - he stopped me right there. He smiled deep and wide, his horns dewy with anticipation. He was ready to make a deal.Fine, I said. I will bypass my desires for fame or fortune or a game of wall ball with Lloyd Moseby and put my deal making skills to work for our boys in royal blue. So, fellow fan, you are welcome. Allow me to outline the exact details of how this season is going to go down (as hashed out between me and Mr. Three Prong, Son of Perdition).(Disclaimer: if you are planning to use this remarkably accurate information for gambling, I urge you to keep investing that extra money into lotto scratchers, lest we have a Back To The Future situation on our hands. APRIL (14-13 record, .519)The Jays whimper out of the gate, getting crushed on Opening Day, then lose 7 of 10, doing a bang-on impersonation of the mediocre team we thought they were. Thats when the cauldron bubbles and the thick smoke rolls in and the creepy carnival comes to town. What happens specifically? Maybe the entire Red Sox roster contracts syphilis. Maybe Derek Jeter becomes a clubhouse cancer in his final diva-tirade-filled season. Maybe Camden Yards becomes Marlo Stanfield turf. Maybe Tampa Bay management decides the empty cavern they play in would be better monetized by jai alai tournaments. Listen, I dont ask El Diablo how he gets stuff done, I just sit back and enjoy the results which Im assured come with no consequences. MAY (31-26, .544)Little known fact about devil-dealing: May is Buy One, Get One Free Month! Thats across the board, whether youre looking for life extension or to unravel the happiness of a sworn enemy. Why not do both?Truly, Beelzebub has little to do with the Blue Jay surge of May. The team plays a whopping 18 games at home, and with the city still suffering from an endless winter, the Rogers Centre roof is only opened once all month, a paralyzing condition visiting teams cannot physically handle (the technical term is "depression"). (Sidenote: I apologize for not asking The Crimson Sausage, Enemy Of Christ to improve the weather. The Cable Box on Blue Jay Way is the Bikram Yoga studio of stadiums.*) (*Bikram yoga is also known as hot yoga.**) (**Hot yoga is a thing you do when you are a 22-year-old girl or a thing you do when you are trying to impress a 22-year-old girl).JUNE (48-36, .571)Until mid-June, the league hadnt noticed the Jays ascension to the ranks of the privileged, largely because after twenty years spent ignoring someone, it is perfectly understandable that you might mistakenly walk past them in the hall and fail to notice the shotgun they are holding. But the Jays had now arrived, and their demands were going to be met, even if Barb in accounting didnt know their goddamn name. Josh Thole was gonna make sure you remember.We gotta give props to The Author Of All Sin, because he works the impossible this month. Jose Reyes is back in the lineup in time for his birthday (June 11) and his bobblehead day (June 8 for those fair weather fans planning to attend). To think, how many nasty critics said meaningful baseball would never be played in Toronto again in July?JULY (62-48, .564)With just a paltry nine home games on tap, our Blue Man Group must do their damage on the road, visiting Tampa Bay, New York and Boston. In a month-long celebration of Canada Day, our national baseball representatives do just that, proving Canadians to be fearless and capable. (Flipside: After witnessing the condition of our departing players hotel rooms, it is clear we Canucks may lack some respect for the environment. I believe the players call it, "doing it Harper-style").The All-Star break falls in July, an annual tradition typically partaken by Jose Bautista and a middle reliever nobody knew was on the team. 2014 proves to be no different despite being a dozen games over .500 at the break. Respect will have to be earned. FYI, did you wanna know who wins this years All-Star game, giving their respective League home field advantage in the World Series? Answer: NOBODY. Nobody [expletive] wins with a rule that stupid.AUGUST (79-57, .581)On August 11, Colby Rasmus turns 28. That same day, Melky Cabrera turns 30. The Prince Of Darkness promises me these achievements will be met and hes been totally standup so far.Playing every division rival at home this month, The Descendants of Alfredo Griffin enjoy their greatest month this century, forcing Vegas to recognize them as a team and set World Series odds. They are given 60-1 chances, though in metric it works out to a more sensible 18-1.(For those of you uncomfortable with how fashioned this season is by Oh Wicked One, Im not saying you have to worship the Father Of All Lies, Founder Of Murder. Im just saying, if youre a ball fan, you should probably send him a card. Maybe bath salts. Nothing fancy).SEPTEMBER (93-69, .574)A peculiar month of scheduling down the home stretch. Sensibly, the Jays visit every division rivals park. Oddly, they play the Chicago Cubs for an unknown reason my sources tell me may have involved money and bad judgement.2014 ends in a dog fight -- a climax of tension and emotion and games that are still a little too long -- all in the service of the Jays holding on for their first playoff appearance ever (in the lives of the children whose aging fathers drag them to the games). We did it! Were number 4 or 5!And there you have it: 93 wins. 1 wild card spot. 0 logical discrepancies. Is it getting hot in here?Gallays Poll #5Lets say we dont know what we know. With how many wins doth the Blue Jays finish?A) <70 -- I am familiar with the team. The win total will be commensurate with the talent level.B) 70-81 -- I dont pay much attention to the baseballs but have read a few headlines.C) 82-89 -- I rarely hear about the Jays anymore. Is Kelly Gruber still with the team?D) 90+ -- I dont understand how baseball works. T.J. Ward Jersey . -- The Los Angeles Angels have agreed to a minor league contract with reliever Brandon Lyon that includes an invitation to their big league camp for spring training. Lavonte David Jersey . The 18-time champions, who havent won the title since 1990, moved two points behind Arsenal after the leaders were stunned 6-3 at Manchester City on Saturday. Defending champion Manchester United trails Arsenal by 10 points after winning 3-0 at Aston Villa to avoid a third successive league loss. http://www.shoptheofficialbuccaneers.co ... rs-Jersey/. "He started putting me on the ice to strengthen them at the suggestion from a doctor," he said. Weight said it wasnt a pretty sight at the rink in St. Clair Shores, Mich. "I looked like Forrest Gump," he joked. Jacquies Smith Jersey .NYCFC confirmed to The Associated Press on Saturday that this week Lampard signed a contract to start in July — midway through the new teams first season in MLS. Cameron Brate Jersey . A broadcast source said the deal is for five years. The agreement calls for a minimum of 17 regular-season games as well as the East and West Division finals being broadcast annually on ESPN, ESPN2 or ESPNEWS.NEW YORK, N.Y. - NBA owners went back to work Wednesday on Commissioner Adam Silvers desire to end Donald Sterlings ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. The advisory/finance committee held its second conference call in the past two weeks, reviewing the timing and process for forcing Sterling to sell the franchise following his lifetime ban for making racist comments. League spokesman Mike Bass said in a statement that the committee also discussed the search for a new CEO and got an update on Deputy Commissioner Mark Tatums visit with Clippers employees. The owners plan to meet again next week. Minnesota owner Glen Taylor chairs the committee that also includes Miamis Micky Arison, the Lakers Jeanie Buss, Oklahoma Citys Clay Bennett, New Yorks James Dolan, Bostons Wyc Grousbeck, San Antonios Peter Holt, Phoenixs Robert Sarver, Indiaanas Herb Simon and Torontos Larry Tanenbaum.dddddddddddd Silver banned Sterling from anything to do with the league or the team, fined him $2.5 million, and said he would urge owners to force Sterling to sell the franchise he has owned since 1981. That would require Silver or another owner to charge Sterling with violating Article 13 of the NBAs Constitution and bylaws, which addresses acts that could lead to the termination of ownership. A hearing would then be held and require a three-fourths vote of the board of governors for approval. If that happens, control of the team would fall to the commissioner. The league may already be planning for that, announcing last week that it was working with the Clippers to appoint a CEO. 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